冷笑话是近几年出现的一个新词，也是一种出现在我们身边的不可忽视的新的语言现象。下面是的小编为您带来的经典英文笑话【最新6篇】，如果能帮助到您，小编的一切努力都是值得的。
who want to go to heaven
The preacher was vexed because a certain member of his congregation always fell asleep during the sermon.
As the man was snoring in the front row one Sunday, the preacher determined he would teach him not to sleep during the sermon. So, in a whisper, he asked the congregation. "All who want to go to heaven, please rise." Everyone got up except the snorer. After whispering "Be seated"， the minister shouted at the top of his voiced, "All those who want to be with the devil, please rise."
Awaking with a start ， the sleepy-head jumped to his feet and saw the preacher standing tall and angry in the pulpit ， "Well, sir," he said, "I don't know what we're voting on, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it."
牧师非常生气，因为总有一个人在他说教时打瞌睡。
一个星期天，正当坐在前排的那个人又在瞌睡时，牧师决定要好好教育他一下，让他不要再在布道时睡觉。于是他低声对信徒们说：“想去天堂的人，都请站起来吧。”所有的人都站了起来——当然，除了那个打瞌睡的人。在低声说过请坐后，牧师高声喊道：“想去下地狱的人请站起来！”
打瞌睡的人被这突然的喊叫声惊醒了，他站了起来。看到牧师高站在教坛上，正生气的看着他。这个人说道：“噢，先生，我不知道我们在选什么，但看上去只有你和我是候选人。”
给丈夫最好的警告（中英）
My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so that he would be able to monitor my moods. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I' m in a bad mood it leaves a big red mark on his forehead.
我的丈夫对我时常波动的情绪很不高兴。所以那天他给我买了一个心情戒指，那样他就可以从戒指上看出我的心情。当我的心情好的`时候，那个戒指就会变成绿色。当我的心情不好的时候，在我丈夫的额头上就会留下一大块红色的戒指印。
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
"I think my friend is dead!" he yells. "What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead."
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Okay, now what?"
两个猎人在森林里打猎，突然一人晕倒了。他的呼吸停止，眼神呆滞。另外一个人掏出手机，拨打911。
“我想我的朋友死了！”他喊道，“我该怎么办？”
接线员说：“请冷静。首先，请确认他是否真的死了。”接着一阵沉寂，然后是一声枪响。回到电话中，猎人接着说：“好了，然后呢？”
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
一个人正在看报纸，他的妻子走到他身后，用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。
He asks, What was that for?
他问道：“干什么？”
She says, I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it.
她说：“我在你口袋里发现了一张写有‘Betty Sue’的纸条。”
He says, Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on. She shrugs and walks away.
他说：“哎呀，亲爱的，‘Betty Sue’是我赌的那匹马的名字。”她耸了耸肩，走了。
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
三天后他正在看报纸，妻子走到他身后，又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺。
He asks, What was that for?
他问：“又干嘛？”
She answers, Your horse called.
她答道：“你的马打电话来了。”
河上漂流（中英）
A man is walking past a travel agents office when he notices a billboard announcing, "4 day cruise down the Murray River $40 all inclusive.”
一个男人路过旅行社时，看到一个广告栏上面写着“顺着墨累河漂流四天，全部费用只需40美元”。
Impressed by the low price, he races into the shop, slaps $40 onto the counter and announces, "I' m here for the Murray cruise.” Quick as a wink, the travel agent whips out a baseball bat and knocks him unconscious.
面对如此低价的诱惑，他大步走进旅行社把40美元往桌上一拍，然后说:“我报名墨累河之游。”眨眼间，旅行社的店员抽出一根棒球棍，一下就把那个人打昏了。
When the man wakes, he finds himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he notices another man in same predicament on the other side of the river.
当那个人醒来之后，发现自己被捆在一个木筏上，正沿着河水往下漂呢。过了一会儿在河的另一边，他看到一个和他处境一样的人。
"$40 Murray cruise?" he calls out.
"40美元墨累河之游？”他喊到。
"Yep!" says the man on the other side.
“是呀！”那人答道。
"I'll bet you we don't even get breakfast,”he yells.
“我打赌我们还没吃早饭呢。”他喊道。
"Well，”calls the other man, “we did last year.”
“对，”另一个人说，“我们去年吃过了。”
Walking up to a department store's fabric（织物，布） counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk（假笑，傻笑） 。 "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly（故意使人烦恼地） held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer（老家伙） standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
一个漂亮的。女孩走到百货公司的布料柜台，说：“我想要买这种料子来做一条新裙子，多少钱？”
“每码只需要一个吻。”男售货员说着，带着奸笑的表情“很好，”女孩说，“我要十码。”
带着期待的表情，售货员很快地量好了布料，包裹好，一脸奸笑地送了过来。
女孩很快收起了包裹，微笑着指向了一个站在她身边的老头：“爷爷给我付账。”